I Decide Who I Am
by Ho Shu Xin
“Am I addressing you correctly?”
Not putting much thought into it, I replied “yea, anything is fine.”
“Tell me what you prefer. It’s your name, and you get to decide how people call you.”
For most of my life, I’ve never corrected the way people call my name. As long as it’s easier for them to remember me, it should be fine, I thought. My “kiasu” Asian parents gave me the nickname “Abby”, just so I could be the first in any name list that follows alphabetical order. But after some mischievous boys made fun of my name and called me “Baby” instead, I decided not to use that name anymore…
The second nickname I got was my family surname “Ho”, simply because it’s pronounced the same universally. Yet, soon, hearing it feels like people are summoning my ancestors, so I rejected that name as well.
Then, I called myself “Susan” because first, it sounded like my first name “Shu Xin”, second, it’s generic, and third, I made the acquaintance of a passionate and bright changemaker called Susan, and I wanted to be like her.
One day, I met this teacher who was committed to knowing every single student — our original self.
“Am I addressing you correctly?”
“Yea, anything is fine.”
“Tell me what you prefer. It’s your name, and you get to decide how people call you.”
The silence in the air and the sight of my teacher provoking me to think and reflect, filled me with such tenderness that I could feel my senses reaching out to embrace my own name. So I told him, I wanted to be called Shu Xin, it’s my given name, it’s printed on my birth certificate, it contains my story, my roots and the uniqueness I’m proud of. Also, it has its own meaning in Chinese — expressing feelings.
It may sound silly, but telling others how they should address me was liberating. It was years before I could tell anyone the embarrassment of this moment. But in a way it was that moment, for all its stillness, that was my awakening. I realized I didn’t know who I was. It wasn’t solely about not knowing what people should call me, because, deep down, I didn’t know where I stood, what my purpose was, who I was.
For once, it’s my name, my choice, fueled by an identity independent of the nicknames created for me. I decide who I am, not anyone else. Likewise, you too should live for yourself. Start today, by being the ultimate authority on your own choice of name, your decisions and the trajectory of your life.
Short introduction about me
A passionate individual for nation-building, especially in education and equality issues. I love going beyond textbooks and taking initiative, hence I founded Project 30,000 Hours to develop students' self-leadership skills and empower them to find their own identity and purpose. I continue to search for opportunities to contribute to a better nation, so hit me up if you have an idea and would like to talk about it!
Short description about the essay
A story about identity, being able to make your own choices and stand for yourself, unmotivated by managing others’ expectations. I hope that one day, all children will be confident to be the leader of their own life.
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